This is an article in my Catholic Healing Series, where I talk about the most prevalent mental health issues of our time, who the best thinkers are, what the theory is, and how to heal the issue. If you enjoy this, feel free to check out other articles or videos!
The Issue
Trauma Bonding and Codependency are some of the most frequently encountered issues by people today. Historically, they have appeared in relationships that involve a substance abusing partner. However, more recently, those married to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are likely to show symptoms of Trauma Bonding and Codependency. Trauma Bonding is an intense emotional attachment that can form between an abused person and their abuser, often stemming from a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. Trauma Bonding often leads to Codependency, where one person, the Codependent, prioritizes another person’s needs and desires over their own, often at the expense of their own well-being and sense of self. A person who has gone through Trauma Bonding and is exhibiting Codependency often feels trapped, abused, powerless, and hopeless. This article will discuss how to change that.
The Thinkers
One of the most popular psychologists for supporting people in cases of Trauma Bonding and Codependency is Dr. Ramani Durvasula, PhD. She had personal run-ins with narcissists. What she discovered is that spouses and partners need to develop an ability to set boundaries, assert needs, to challenge at the right time, and to support and nurture at the right time. Dr. Ramani’s approach paves the way to empowerment and interior freedom for victims of Trauma Bonding. Dr. Ramani is bold, insightful, and very genuine.
Dr. Rhonda Freeman, PhD is a neuroscientist whose presentation on Trauma Bonding explains what practitioners have experienced in therapy for a long time. A lot of her work builds on Dutton’s and Fisher and Brown’s ground-breaking work in Trauma Bonding. Her presentation deepens the understanding of the issue in ways that direct people in positive ways toward solutions.
Nancy Johnston wrote the book on how to overcome Codependency. She is gentle and compassionate. One of her specialties is meeting people where they are at, empathizing, and then helping them to identify a path forward. The path involves deepening the sense of self identity, the establishment and communication of boundaries, and a movement to a position of strength in relationships (among many other things).
Healing Trauma Bonding and Codependency
Disclaimer: these are just some of the tools that can be used to heal Trauma Bonding and Codependency. Also, I cannot guarantee healing or benefit. This entire article represents my opinions and applications of the tools, nothing more and nothing less. This article does not constitute medical, mental health, psychological, or other advice.
Practice Self-Compassion
Dr. Rhonda Freeman’s training on Trauma Bonds is so good that my head felt like it was going to explode when I read it. I work with people who struggle with addiction, in addition to working with Trauma Bonded spouses. One of the things that I had noticed was that addicts and Trauma Bonded spouses have similar symptoms. Freeman’s training explains why. Taking a look at research that was done by Dutton, Fisher and Brown, and others, Freeman talks about three major brain chemicals. Oxytocin, endogenous endorphins, and dopamine were tracked in Trauma Bonded partners. Early in the relationship, these chemicals flood the brain, which can be okay. They are intended to be there when people feel romantic attraction. If anything, they can be released in too high of an amount, because narcissists do tend to love bomb and create an unrealistic level of excitement in a relationship. Then, the trouble begins. Often, the couple marries. The narcissist has a terrible mental association with Marriage. He (more often than not, it is a male) will associate being married with his parents and will become his Father in the Marriage. In doing so, he will use selfish means to continue to get oxytocin, endogenous endorphins, and dopamine in his brain.
However, the woman in the relationship is not doing anything selfish and does not get these brain chemicals. She moves into a state of deprivation cognitively. The only way that she can feel the sense of relationship and warmth provided by these chemicals is to placate her Husband. Her limbic system, the reward and punishment center of the brain, will kick in and will flood her with false guilt to try to get her to placate the man. Additionally, her Husband begins getting her to doubt herself and starts tearing her down in the relationship. Furthermore, he sporadically responds with small acts of kindness. This makes a woman subject to the same intermittent reinforcement system that conditions gamblers. Like a gambler at a slot machine, the woman wonders whether “this will be the time” when he will respond favorably, causing her to doubt herself more. Finally, this pattern likely was modeled by the woman’s parents when she was younger and is an ingrained pattern.
There are two reasons why I mention this. First, a woman needs to practice self compassion! She has so much stacked against her. It is no wonder that this is a struggle and that she feels trapped, powerless, and hopeless. Second, there is a way out! The brain has a salience network, which is a network of networks. It defaults to the limbic system that leaves the woman trapped in the relationship, but that is just where the salience network defaults. If a woman can find a higher purpose, like the fact that she is living a saintly story, or the fact that she is loving her Husband and herself by challenging him, then the brain will reframe sacrifice as a good thing. A woman can win the internal victory that leads to the external triumph. She can approach her relationship from the place of strength, which is a very Catholic thing to do. Virtus, the root of the word virtue, means strength.
Use Mindfulness to Identify the Pattern
Almost every emotionally abusive relationship has a pattern. It often plays out something like this: the Husband builds in stress and becomes increasingly negative. Then, he explodes and shares criticism. Then, the Husband and Wife have little to no contact in the aftermath. Then, he approaches her positively to bring the relationship back to a beginning point. He will not directly address his misbehavior in many instances. Then, the pattern begins anew. If the Wife gets upset enough, the Husband may love bomb (offer over the top superficial expressions of love) near the end of the pattern to try to bring her back around.
This is the general pattern, but there can be variants and every relationship is unique. So, it is helpful for a woman to identify her relationship pattern. Also, it is important to consider whether her parents had a similar pattern. This comes into play later in the healing process.
Consider the Three Top Elements that Break Codependency
Codependence is where a person does not just do her or his job in a relationship. She or he does the other person’s job as well. One of the hallmarks is enmeshment—a lack of boundaries that allows one person to use the other person as an extension of herself or himself in the relationship.
There are three major things that can be done to break Codependency. First, establish good boundaries and pair them with consequences. A woman needs to understand what her needs are and assert them. She needs to remember that her Husband is unreasonable. The only way things will work is if she treats him as an unreasonable person. She needs to determine what is reasonable and assert it. If he does not do what she asks, then she needs to let him experience the consequence that she said he would experience. Second, the workload in the relationship needs to move toward being 50/50, versus the Wife doing about 90% of the work and the Husband doing about 10%. Finally, the Wife needs to be okay with it when her Husband is not doing well. In Codependent relationships, both partners move up and down the mood scale together. This is not healthy because it does not allow them to have distinct identities and selves. So, a Wife needs to learn to be doing okay when her Husband is not (and a lot of husbands are not doing well a lot of the time).
Understand Your Manager/Guardian/Protector and Remove Internal Obstacles Using Internal Family Systems
Internal Family Systems involves looking at the self in parts. A person has a Conscious Self who is the leader of the Internal Family System. A person also has a Wounded Self that was Wounded in Childhood and Exiled, or sent away from the Internal Family System. Finally, a person has a Guardian/Manager/Protector part that is responsible for keeping the person safe in relationships.
Internal Family Systems is very helpful in the case of Trauma Bonding and Codependency, because the Wife often runs into internal obstacles. In theory, standing up to her Husband sounds great. In practice, it is terrifying, because the Wife often fears her Husband’s angry response. The solution is to take a look at the Guardian/Manager/Protector part first. It likely is concerning that the Husband will abandon the Wife, reject her, or tell her that she is worthless. Its Strategy in response to that concern is to placate and avoid conflict. The healthy Alternative Strategy to develop is for the woman to prioritize her needs and assert herself, even if she is afraid. It is not courage unless she is afraid. This is the path that the Guardian/Manager/Protector needs to resolve itself to.
Additionally, it can be very helpful for the Wife’s Wounded Exile to unburden itself of shame, guilt, loneliness, and any other negative emotions that it is carrying. A common lie that Wives have been told by their childhood world is, “You are worthless and this treatment is what you deserve.” A woman should rebuke the lie and assert the truth that she is worthy. She needs to tell her Husband, but first she needs to tell herself. A good unburdening ritual is to go to Mass and visualize all negative past experiences being carried up with the gifts. During the transubstantiation, she can visualize her life experiences being transformed and her negative emotions released. During Communion, she can receive her perfected, unburdened experiences with the Eucharist.
Conclusion
In the Old Testament, the Israelites needed to choose between staying in Egypt, which was more comfortable in some ways, and risking a trek through the desert to the Promised Land of Canaan. On the one hand, it makes sense for them to seek freedom. On the other hand, freedom involves a terrifying and painful journey where the Israelites risk everything. This is a great metaphor for the plight of Wives in the case of Trauma Bonding and Codependency. Sure, staying in the relationship as it involves slavery to the needs of another. At the same time, taking a stand for themselves and what they deserve is worth risking everything. For women who elevate themselves to the place of strength in the relationship, there are few things that are as transcendent in this world. I understand that the journey is not an easy one. I am a witness to it several days a week. Know of my prayers!
Resources:
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, PhD
Dr. Rhonda Freeman, PhD
https://www.rhondafreemanphd.com
Nancy L. Johnston
https://www.nancyljohnston.com/
Are Trauma Bonding and Codependency causing problems in your relationship? Feel free to reach out to The Catholic Healing Institute and Tom Weishaar for assistance from a specially trained therapist.
Https://www.catholichealinginstitute.com
Tom Weishaar, MA LPCC CCTP-II is the Founder and CEO of The Catholic Healing Institute. He lives in Steubenville, OH with his wife and three children.