This is an article in my Catholic Healing Series, where I talk about the most prevalent mental health issues of our time, who the best thinkers are, what the theory is, and how to heal the issue. If you enjoy this, feel free to check out other articles or videos!
The Issue
Marriage is a beautiful, life giving sacrament where a man, woman, and God experience a covenantal union. The purpose of Marriage is to help a man and woman encourage one another to make it to heaven with the assistance of special graces from God. Should the couple be gifted with children, Marriage is the Domestic Church that forms and nurtures children in the Catholic Faith. Marriage also is the battleground of our times. Many of the people entering this sacred, healing union are from broken families. Additionally, there are more cultural and societal pressures than ever before. As Catholics, it is important for us to form healthy Marriages, and to heal those that are not.
The Thinkers
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, PhD are a super couple who have revolutionized the way that Marriage therapy works. Both of them are warm and engaging, and their successful partnership demonstrates the model that they promote. In a lot of ways, John is more of a researcher and Julie is more of a practitioner, although they each do both. With John’s research and Julie’s intervention skills, they have brought the complete package to the Marriage therapy world.
What makes the Gottman Method revolutionary? First, the Gottmans are some of the first practitioners to study Marriages themselves prior to developing theories and interventions. Very interestingly, much of Marriage therapy had been driven by theories that theorists found interesting, as opposed to theories that were proven to be effective. Second, the Gottmans are practical. They developed a model that identifies issues quickly and that provides healing interventions that have been proven to work. Finally, the Gotttmans live the model. One of their methods was even developed by them for their own Marriage. As Catholics, we would call the Gottmans (who are Jewish) witnesses of Marriage. Having trained under the Gottmans and having used the Gottman Method and tools again and again when it comes to Marriage, I am a believer! When it comes to diagnosing marital issues and providing interventions that heal relationships, the Gottman Method cannot be beaten.
Healing Marriage
Disclaimer: these are just some of the tools that can be used to heal Marriages. Also, I cannot guarantee healing or benefit. This entire article represents my opinions and applications of the tools, nothing more and nothing less. This article does not constitute medical, mental health, psychological, or other advice.
Diagnosing Issues
It is impossible to heal Marriage issues without first diagnosing them. The Gottmans provide a relationship inventory that helps. However, I often am able to engage in a quick diagnostic process using the Gottman Sound Relationship House Model. The Gottman Sound Relationship House is significant for a few reasons. The first is that it dispels a cultural myth that is promoted by social media and romantic comedies. The myth is that people can just randomly meet up and have a relationship and click with no problems. The reality of relationships is that they are intentionally built by two people, that they take a lot of work, and that, just like a house, they need to be repaired over time. The Gottman Sound Relationship House drives that reality home time and time again. Second, investigating the categories of The Sound Relationship House brings to the surface a wide range of common problems that exist in Marriages quickly.
The first category in the Sound Relationship House is the wall of Trust. A relationship cannot exist without it. Trust is a broad ranging category. Of course, it involves trusting that a person will not cheat, but it also involves trust that the other person will do what he or she promises to do, that the other person will be empathetic when emotions are shared, and that the other person will be open to discussion when relationship problems are presented.
The second category is the wall of Commitment. A relationship also cannot exist without it. I always tell clients that the one thing that I cannot give them is motivation, which is a component of Commitment. Commitment is a broad category. It includes how much someone is willing to work on the relationship and whether someone wants to stay in the relationship, but there are a lot of components. One of the most important components of Commitment is priority. The thing that a woman desires the most in a Marriage is to be the top priority in her Husband’s heart. Unfortunately, sometimes her Husband prioritizes something or someone else higher than his Wife. Examples of things that are improperly ordered above Wives in Marriage are work, pornography, substance abuse, family of origin, and even hobbies.
The third category is Love Maps. I consider this category to be the foundational category of Intimacy. Intimacy has four layers and they need to be built in order. It begins with understanding each other’s interior worlds, progresses to emotional empathy and connection, graduates to physical affection, and culminates in sexual intimacy. If the lower levels of intimacy are not well constructed, the higher levels will be lacking or nonexistent. The most common thing that I hear in sessions is, “It feels like we are roommates.” This means that there is no emotional intimacy in the Marriage.
The fourth category is Fondness and Admiration. Spouses that admire each other have much happier Marriages. When people think of healing Marriage, they often think of removing negatives from the relationship. Conversely, the Gottmans found that the difference that makes the difference in Marriage often involves building in the positive. Fondness and Admiration gives Marriages a big boost.
The fifth category is Turning Towards Instead of Away. This category involves how responsive couples are when one of them expresses a need for attention. The Gottmans did a study that tracked couples that responded to requests for attention and those that did not. The divorce rate was much higher in Marriages where spouses did not respond to bids for attention.
The sixth category is The Positive Perspective. This has to do with what is often called Intention Frame. In unclear circumstances, if spouses have a Positive Intention Frame and assume a positive intention, it greatly helps the Marriage. In unclear circumstances, if spouses have a Negative Intention Frame and assume a negative intention, it often leads to conflict.
Speaking of conflict, the seventh category is Managing Conflict. Conflict often sends married couples to therapy. Noteworthily, the conflict is often caused by issues in more foundational places in the Sound Relationship House. Often, trust, commitment, and/or intimacy issues are the underlying reason for conflict. Someone once said to John Gottman that a study said that couples sometimes fight over nothing. John Gottman responded that he thought that nothing was the only thing that couples fight about. On the surface, married couples fight over trivial things. Underneath the surface, issues with trust, commitment, and/or intimacy often lurk like monsters in the depths.
The eighth and ninth categories are Making Life Dreams Come True and Creating Shared Meaning. These both are partnership categories. This means that, if there are issues in these categories but there are strengths in the other parts of the Sound Relationship House, the issues can be resolved quickly. However, if there are issues in these categories and elsewhere in the Sound Relationship House, look out! A weak partnership makes for poor performance in partnership categories.
Other Issues
Most issues will come to the surface in a journey through the Sound Relationship House. However, there are other things that I usually check, if I think the discussion did not bring them to the surface. Has either spouse had an affair? Has either spouse struggled with pornography or substance abuse? Has either spouse been diagnosed with a mental health condition? Do mental health issues run on either side of the family?
Another key element is family of origin dynamics. What was each spouse’s relationship like with her or his parents and what was the relationship like between each spouse’s parents? The relationship between a person’s parents is the default template for how that person will be in the Marriage.
The Tools for Healing Marriage
Affairs are their own category. In the aftermath of an affair, there needs to be transparency. The offended spouse needs as much access to devices as possible, and processes that reassure the spouse so that she or he knows that an affair is not occurring right now. Then, the couples need to make a list of activities that the offending spouse can do to restore trust in the relationship. A walkthrough of the affair from the part of the offended party is pivotal. The offending spouse needs to empathize with the offended spouse. The offended spouse is free to ask questions and learn about what happened. Both spouses need to understand why the affair occurred. I worked for Greg Popcak and he taught me that every offending spouse has two things in common: not speaking for needs in the Marriage and looking for needs to be met outside the Marriage. Additionally, a cheating spouse often has an underlying mental health issue. It is important to identify and to heal that. Then, after that, spouses need to build a resurrected version of the Marriage. The Marriage up to that point has died and needs to be mourned, but there is an opportunity. How can the spouses build a newer and better Marriage?
Healing Trust Issues involves identifying exactly where trust is lacking. The couple needs to identify that. Then, what is a good plan for restoring it? Are there other parts of the relationship that need to be better for there to be better trust? What rituals could be built into the relationship so that there is deeper trust?
Healing Commitment Issues often involves looking at priority. Is there something or someone being prioritized over the other spouse in the Marriage? What is a good plan for demonstrating that the offended spouse is being raised to top priority? Both spouses need to build the plan and work on it.
Healing Intimacy Issues often involves both rituals and discussions. The couple should spend 15 minutes in uninterrupted conversation per day. Also, there should be a date night at least once per week, even if it is an at home date night. The couple can go over this question together with both of them answering: what are your top three needs and how can I meet them? Additionally, there should be agreement about healthy levels of affection and healthy levels of sex.
Fondness and Admiration requires mindfulness. Spouses need to be aware of how they are building one another up in the Marriage or how they are tearing one another down. Also, they can sit together and share with each other what they admire about one another.
Responding to Bids for Attention and Being Present with Your Spouse requires intentionality. Keep in mind that every “yes” a spouse gets over a device is a huge win. Also, put the devices away. We all need devices, but there are times when devices are the enemy of your Marriage. Have set times where they go away.
Saint Ignatius helps us to offer the Positive Perspective. This is from the Discernment of Spirits. When an unclear situation happens, and a spouse feels resentful or anxious, it is a sign of a negative thought and a negative feeling. Identify the thought. An example of a problem thought is, “My spouse didn’t text me back because she or he doesn’t care about me.” Interview the thought. Will it bring a person closer to peace and to God? If not, then identify the better thought. “My spouse probably is having an extra busy day and will text me back soon.”
When it comes to Conflict Resolution, first ask the question, “Are there issues at more foundational places in the Sound Relationship House that are leading to conflict?” If there are, identify and heal those. However, should the issue with Conflict actually be happening at the level of Conflict Resolution, then these are things that help. First, change the overall approach to Conflict. Step One is to understand each other to the fullest. Do not problem solve. Understand and empathize. This draws the couple closer together for the step of problem solving. Essentially, everything that happens in a relationship is an opportunity for greater intimacy. Conflict invites us to understand each other’s interior worlds in a special way. Treat Conflict as an opportunity for intimacy, and then problem solve.
Here are other tools that help with Conflict Resolution. Soften the Start-Up by empathizing, taking accountability, and saying “I” instead of “You.” Send and Receive Repair Attempts by acknowledging good and fair things through the argument. Soothe each other by paying attention to affection and tone, as well as being aware of what is a good format for disagreements. Finally, look to Compromise and Address Emotional Injuries that happen throughout the conflict.
It does not happen often, but every once in a while, Making Life Dreams Come True and Creating Shared Meaning is the reason for marital distress. Sometimes, engaged couples cannot compromise on where to live or what married life will look like. Sometimes, married couples that are approaching the empty nest phase have difficulty finding a vision for what retired life will look like. In each of these cases, couples can share what their needs are, and they can focus on understanding the other person to the fullest. Then, they can choose a decision that meets as many needs as possible. For example, an engaged couple can live in one spouse’s preferred location as a test when married, and then have an agreement to move to the other spouse’s preferred location if it does not work. Or, for an empty nesting couple, there can be a focus on activities that each spouse believes will bring meaning to life.
Conclusion
As Sr. Lucia of Fatima and others have noted, Marriage is the battleground of our times. Helping people to heal their Marriages is one of my favorite things. Consistently, I am inspired by the witness of each spouse, not just to each other, but to the Institution of Marriage Itself. Our Faith comes to us through the Marriage between Jesus Christ and His Church, His Bride. When couples learn to grow and heal together in real and positive ways, they are mirroring that Sacred Union and raising relationships in the fallen world to the level of transcendence.
Resources:
The Gottman official website has good resources: https://www.gottman.com/
Looking for assistance in healing your Marriage and helping it flourish? Reach out to the Catholic Healing Institute and Tom Weishaar for therapy from a Gottman certified therapist
Tom Weishaar, MA LPCC CCTP-II Gottman Level 2 Certified is the Founder and CEO of the Catholic Healing Institute. He lives in Steubenville, OH with his wife and three children.