This is an article in my Catholic Healing Series, where I talk about the most prevalent mental health issues of our time, who the best thinkers are, what the theory is, and how to heal the issue. If you enjoy this, feel free to check out other articles or videos!
The Issue
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of the most prevalent mental health issues of our time. Why? Different people have different theories. My theory is that there are two reasons. First, it is a sign of the dissolution of the family. Almost every narcissist grows up in a traumatic, dysfunctional family situation. Second, almost everything in our society tells people that everything is all about them. The wide range of customizable technology available today does not help that at all. The interesting thing about both of these factors is that both of them are cultural. As we heal from narcissism and support others in it, we also are doing something very important. We are healing our culture.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I could go through the description in the diagnostic manual, but I will offer a simplified version. A narcissist is shameless, focused on ideals, jealous or manipulative, unaccountable, and emotionally abusive. Why? Most narcissists have terrible traumatic childhoods and narcissism is a coping mechanism that grows out of the PTSD. It is a personality disorder. It is like having unresolved PTSD become part of a person’s personality during development. Hurt people hurt people. Narcissists especially hurt their spouses. Why? Because when they were young, they witnessed their parents’ marriage and they are using their parents’ marriage as a template for their own. This also explains why narcissism can be triggered by marriage and a narcissist can be a “love bomber” pre-marriage who is too over-the-top and urgent, and then a monster when married. Often, narcissists are beloved in their communities. They like to have a great public image and derive tremendous satisfaction from it. Unfortunately, this does not translate to home life, where the narcissist is a tyrant, especially with the spouse. The spouse always gets the worst of it.
The Thinkers
The most popular thinker regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder is Terry Real, a brilliant theorist who healed himself of narcissism. There are a few important things to know about him. One thing is that he himself is proof that people can heal from narcissistic personality disorder. People struggling with this issue and their troubled spouses should find hope in this. Another significant thing about Terry Real is that he is a caricature of a human being in the best sort of way. The hallmark of narcissism is grandiosity. What we mean by that in psychological terms is shamelessness. That explains why some narcissists don’t seem very over-the-top. A person can be shameless without being over-the-top. But Terry Real is over-the-top. Very over-the-top. Only God could write this story. Terry is as tough as nails and a theatrical showman. Difficult men literally fly from all over the country just to get served by him in session. They even sign video release forms. Terry Real’s training looks like the Jerry Springer show and Dr. Phil all in one. He earns the respect of narcissists. How? He breaks them. He takes sides. He makes it clear that he will not take their junk. When challenged by people that he is not empathetic enough, Terry quips, “I’m not that sort of therapist.” Once Terry has broken the narcissist, he then mentors him. He helps the narcissist to get in touch with his inner child and heal. In Terry’s journey to challenge and mentor narcissists, Relational Life Therapy (RLT) was born!
One of the most popular psychologists for supporting spouses and partners of narcissists is Dr. Ramani Durvasula. She had personal run-ins with narcissists. What she discovered is that spouses and partners need to develop a lot of Relational Life Therapy skills themselves so that they can earn or demand the respect of their partners (we might even say “leverage” to use an RLT term) and then support them in their healing. Dr. Ramani is just plain cool. She is tough and compassionate at the same time.
Dr. Stephen Porges, PhD is the developer of Polyvagal Theory. He is warm, intelligent, and engaging. Polyvagal Theory has revolutionized the world of trauma, because it identifies three states of the brain that are particularly relevant to trauma. The first is the ventral vagal, or socially engaged state. The second state is the dorsal vagal, or withdrawn state. Many people feel numb after repeated trauma and experience a sense of void. This is because they are living in the dorsal vagal state. The third state of the brain is hyperarousal. This is the state of fight or flight where people who have experienced trauma perceive people and situations as threats when triggered. Polyvagal Theory provides a language to describe living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as a framework for healing or managing the condition. This has unique applications where narcissism is concerned. A narcissist lives most of his or her life in the dorsal vagal withdrawn state and then has trigger periods where she or he is stuck in hyperaroused fight mode. There are two key interventions that help the narcissist leave these states and to live more in the ventral vagal socially connected state. I will discuss this later in the article.
Healing Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Disclaimer: these are just some of the tools that can be used to heal Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Also, I cannot guarantee healing or benefit. This entire article represents my opinions and applications of the tools, nothing more and nothing less. This article does not constitute medical, mental health, psychological, or other advice.
One of the most important things to note is the expectations around healing narcissism. Some narcissists pray to God and are miraculously healed. In absence of that, healing is a grind. This is not some easy, quick fix process.
The healing goals for the narcissist are to differentiate from the family of origin and to have great boundaries, to heal the inner child, and to heal the marital relationship (if relevant). A final healing goal for the narcissist is to form positive friendships.
The healing goals for a spouse or partner are to challenge the narcissist with boundaries and consequences and to nurture the good version of their spouse or partner.
I am going to lay out the tools for healing from shorter term to longer term. We will start shallow and then progress to deeper healing. The tools/theories, in order, are existentialism/psychodynamics, family systems, polyvagal theory, internal family systems, and the Gottman Method.
Existentialism/Psychodynamics
The narcissist needs to consider his (roughly 90% of the time it is a him) or her (roughly 10% of the time it is a her) family of origin. What was wrong with the family situation? Most of the time, one parent was emotionally abusive to both the narcissist and spouse. Most of the time, the other parent was a codependent placater. The narcissist needs to identify both the dynamic and the fact that it was wrong. If the narcissist does not identify the emotionally abusive parent as wrong, then she or he will identify with that parent and be that parent in the current marriage. Then, the narcissist needs to identify a better vision for the current marriage and build a plan to follow. This is the process of differentiation from family of origin and essentially the narcissist is telling the family of origin story and then identifying the story that he or she wants to write moving forward.
Family Systems
The narcissist and her or his spouse need to identify boundaries to be held with the narcissist’s family of origin. If boundaries are not good, then the narcissist will revert to the worst version of himself or herself. The narcissistic pattern is written into the narcissist like a computer program. This program activates when inappropriate contact with the family of origin occurs. The identified boundaries either are held and give the narcissist a chance to heal, or they are not held and the narcissist has no opportunity to heal.
Polyvagal Theory
Almost no narcissist has deep and meaningful friendships. There is something here that pertains to polyvagal theory. Polyvagal theory presents three states of the mind. The first is the ventral vagal, or socially engaged state. The second state is the dorsal vagal, or withdrawn state. Many people feel numb after repeated trauma and experience a sense of void. This is because they are living in the dorsal vagal state. The third state of the brain is hyperarousal. A narcissist lives most of his or her life in the dorsal vagal withdrawn state and then has trigger periods where she or he is stuck in hyperaroused fight mode. There are two key interventions that help the narcissist leave these states and to live more in the ventral vagal socially connected state. First, a narcissist needs to join groups where she or he is encouraged to live in positive ways. There needs to be authentic and deep connection in these groups. If membership in these groups leads to deeper one on one friendships, all the better! Second, a narcissist can focus on muscular relaxation. When muscles are relaxed, it is impossible to stay in hyperaroused fight mode and a person is predisposed to living in the ventral vagal socially connected state.
Butterfly tapping is one effective way to achieve this. There are many good videos for it on YouTube. Interoception also provides good options. Interoception helps people to understand their internal state, including physical sensations and emotions. A good way to practice interoception is to sit in a hard backed chair with feet flat on the floor. Close your eyes, relax, and breathe deeply. Identify the location in your body where you feel tension. What does that part of the body feel like? Is that part of the body communicating an emotion? If so, what emotion? Let your body know that you hear what it is saying, relax your muscles to the fullest and be totally present. Of course, this is a great time to pray and to invite God into the moment and to ask Him to help you understand what you are feeling and to calm. Additionally, integrative exercises like SoulCore and pilates are very helpful.
Internal Family Systems
To heal his or her inner child, the narcissist needs to use internal family systems. Internal family systems takes a parts approach to the self. It identifies that people have different parts of the self that have different roles and intentions. The key parts of the self to look at are the Conscious Self, the Wounded Exile, and the Manager/Guardian.
The Conscious Self is the best part of a person and the leader of the internal family system. It is the logical, virtuous, reasoning, and emotive self. Its job is to dialogue with the Wounded Exile and the Manager/Guardian to achieve healing.
The Wounded Exile originally was wounded in the narcissist’s childhood. The Wounded Self is carrying negative emotions. The key negative emotion in almost every narcissist is shame. The narcissist needs to identify the shame and all negative emotions and then unburden these emotions. An example of an unburdening ritual is going to prayer and envisioning giving these negative emotions to Jesus, or going to Mass and envisioning all negative past experiences being taken to the altar where they are redeemed and received by the individual with the Eucharist. After an unburdening, the narcissist can talk to the Wounded Exile and comfort her or him. Then, she or he can mentor the Wounded Exile. This constitutes a reintegration of a part that was exiled (sent away from the self).
The Manager/Guardian is the part of the self that keeps the person safe. It likely exists in extreme form. It likely fears rejection or abandonment and uses anger and blaming the spouse as strategies. The Manager/Guardian needs to identify more moderate strategies that allow the narcissist to enter more deeply into relationships with others. Examples of effective strategies are taking accountability, making healthy judgments about being vulnerable, negotiating needs, and meeting the needs of the spouse.
Using the Gottman Method to Heal the Marriage
The narcissist’s spouse likely has betrayal trauma from the marriage that requires healing. To heal the betrayal trauma, the narcissist needs to listen to the spouse’s experience of the marriage, empathize, and answer any questions that the spouse has. Then, the narcissist needs to build a plan with the spouse to restore safety and connection in the marriage. There must be at least weekly check ins and accountability. Sometimes, there needs to be daily check-ins and accountability. The marriage only heals over time which necessitates strong boundaries at the outset of the process. As the narcissist restores the relationship, he or she earns more intimacy with the spouse.
Healing Process for the Spouse of a Narcissist
Family Systems
The spouse of a narcissist needs to identify healthy boundaries and assert them. If the narcissist will not respect boundaries, there need to be negative consequences. For example, a good boundary is to demand that the narcissist will do his or her share of household work. If the narcissist does not do his or her share of household work, a good consequence is to not do the narcissist’s laundry to make up for the fact that the narcissist caused the spouse to do an unfair amount of work. Narcissists do not speak the language of empathy. The empathy center in their brain is underdeveloped. However, they speak the language of boundaries and consequences.
Spouses need to identify the fact that they are in the codependent role in the relationship. This means that they do not just do their job. They also do the narcissist’s job in the relationship. Boundaries help to break this pattern. Identifying and asserting needs also breaks this pattern. When it comes to communication, spouses need to realize that they are the only reasonable person in the relationship. The underdevelopment of the narcissist’s prefrontal cortex makes him or her inherently unreasonable. When a spouse is in a relationship with an unreasonable person, all that he or she can do is to identify what is reasonable and to assert it.
Internal Family Systems
The steps that a spouse needs to take with a narcissist are clear. However, there is something that complicates things—the woundedness of the codependent spouse. To heal this woundedness, it helps to look at the spouse in parts.
The Wounded Exile of a codependent spouse often witnessed a dominant parent pushing around a submissive codependent parent. The Wounded Exile likely fears abandonment or rejection or has a feeling of worthlessness. It needs to unburden those negative emotions. Then, the spouse needs to comfort that part of the self and mentor it to be more assertive.
The Manager/Guardian of a codependent spouse likely fears abandonment or rejection and has adopted a strategy of focusing on the other person’s needs in the relationship. Another common strategy is placating. A final one is taking accountability for the other person in a relationship. These strategies have the very high cost of exhaustion and having personal needs totally unmet. Better Manager/Guardian strategies are assertiveness, communicating needs, and holding the narcissist accountable.
The “Special Sauce” of Relational Life Therapy
A lot of Relational Life Therapy is about art and style. The therapist shifts between being a firm authority and a compassionate mentor. Then, the therapist trains the narcissist’s spouse to do the same. If all three parties are motivated, Relational Life Therapy becomes a collaborative grind that transforms people and marriages. And if the narcissist is not motivated, Relational Life Therapy provides the best framework of external motivation (consequences) to compensate for the lack of internal motivation on the narcissist’s part.
I often have found doing Relational Life Therapy with narcissists and their spouses to be transcendent. It is such a surprising and curious thing. I think that Terry Real says it best. Narcissism is like a fire that spreads from one generation to the next until one man has the courage to turn and put it out. And when he does that, it is an honor to every man who came before him and his legacy to every man who comes after. Terry often relates that his Father was an angry man and he was an angry man, but his sons are not. Sounds like quite the legacy to me. Here’s to you Terry!
Resources:
Terry Real has good resources https://terryreal.com/
Dr. Ramani Durvasula has great resources as well https://doctor-ramani.com/
Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder causing problems in your relationship? Feel free to reach out to the Catholic Healing Institute and Tom Weishaar to work with someone trained in Relational Life Therapy!
www.catholichealinginstitute.com
Tom Weishaar, MA LPCC CCTP-II is the Founder and CEO of the Catholic Healing Institute. He lives in Steubenville, OH with his wife and three children.