This is an article in my Catholic Healing Series, where I talk about the most prevalent mental health issues of our time, who the best thinkers are, what the theory is, and how to heal the issue. If you enjoy this, feel free to check out other articles or videos!
The Issue
Roughly 10% of men and 3% of women report being addicted to pornography. The actual number likely is higher than that, because a lot of the statistic relies on self reporting. The bottom line is that pornography addiction is prevalent. It causes distress, anxiety, job issues, and relationship issues. For men in relationships, it represents an affair of the heart that gives rise to betrayal trauma on the part of the spouse. Many who struggle with pornography addiction have been exposed at an early age to pornography and also have suffered trauma. Sometimes, mental health problems also lead to impulsive, addictive behavior. Addiction can be very ingrained, but there is hope! There are tools for uprooting pornography addiction, and that is why I am writing this article.
The Thinkers
Dr. Janina Fisher, PhD is a former Harvard Professor who likely has done more to help people understand and to heal from shame than any other figure in the field. In the world of psychology that is full of surprising and eccentric figures, Fisher could be the most surprising and most eccentric. A good friend of Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, MD, who also is known for his personality, Janina Fisher is soft and gentle in affect. Very importantly, she giggles a lot. At the same time, she makes jokes of all kinds of situations that can be darkly humorous. Then, she giggles more. What she is doing is, in fact, extremely therapeutic. Fisher has discovered how to help people laugh at themselves and situations so that they can confront them with courage and a healthy sense of experiment. She specializes in working with people who struggle with perspective, and laughter is the medicine that provides a healthy sense of objectivity. In terms of Borderline Personality Disorder, she artfully uses Internal Family Systems Interventions to help people understand parts of the self and to partner with them. This is particularly helpful in terms of helping people to bond with parts of the self that have good intentions but that offer destructive strategies as solutions. After people connect with these parts in curiosity and understand them, they are able to collaborate with them to pursue healthier strategies.
Dr. Richard Schwartz, PhD is the creator of Internal Family Systems therapy, which often is used to heal trauma. He began as a systematic family therapist and discovered that many of his techniques were effective with a person’s “internal family,” when a client is seen as having a series of parts or members. Richard Schwartz is calm, subdued, and thoughtful. Much of his approach has to do with creating a sense of safety and relaxation where parts of a client’s self are able to unburden and reintegrate. It is possible to see his sessions online, and the results are eye-popping. Internal Family Systems represents the greatest breakthrough that I have seen in therapy in the course of my life.
Dr. Stephen Porges, PhD is the developer of Polyvagal Theory. He is warm, intelligent, and engaging. Polyvagal Theory has revolutionized the world of trauma, because it identifies three states of the brain that are particularly relevant to trauma. The first is the ventral vagal, or socially engaged state. The second state is the dorsal vagal, or withdrawn state. Many people feel numb after repeated trauma and experience a sense of void. This is because they are living in the dorsal vagal state. The third state of the brain is hyperarousal. This is the state of fight or flight where people people who have experienced trauma perceive people and situations as threats when triggered. Polyvagal Theory provides a language to describe living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as a framework for healing pornography addiction. There will be more on that to come!
Dr. Eric Gentry, PhD is an expert on trauma and addiction recovery. He himself overcame an addiction to substance abuse on his way to becoming one of the experts in the field. His trainings offer useful, practical tools for overcoming addiction and healing from trauma. Noteworthily, Gentry, along with Mate and many others believes that addiction recovery does not occur in a vacuum. Trauma healing needs to occur simultaneously with addiction recovery. Also, it is pivotal that people build positive social support and heal in relationship with loved ones.
Healing Pornography Addiction
Disclaimer: these are just some of the tools that can be used to heal pornography addiction Also, I cannot guarantee healing or benefit. This entire article represents my opinions and applications of the tools, nothing more and nothing less. This article does not constitute medical, psychological, mental health, or any other advice.
Locating a Place on the Spectrum of Addiction
Addiction increasingly is treated as a spectrum disorder. For people on the low to mid range of the spectrum, they likely will benefit from participating in a group and doing individual therapy. For people on the higher end of the spectrum, they may benefit from Intensive Outpatient Programs or medication in addition to group and individual therapy. A lot of treatment needs to be specific to the situation and client.
Causes of Pornography Addiction
Many people who struggle with pornography addiction have been through trauma, especially during childhood. Childhood exposure to pornography often constitutes trauma. Some people who struggle with pornography have been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused. Also, sometimes, pornography addiction is an expression of impulse control due to an underlying mental health issue. It is the potential for a combination of different underlying causes that necessitates each case being treated individually. Also, Gentry and Mate both accurately assert that in the majority of cases trauma healing and addiction recovery need to occur simultaneously. It is not a matter of healing one issue and then the other. It needs to happen at the same time since the trauma and addiction issues feed off each other.
Fleeing the Occasion
Using Covenant Eyes and blockers can help. Avoiding screens in general can help. Most importantly, Custody of the Eyes is essential. Many people are aware of what it is, but Custody of the Eyes often is not practiced well. When in public spaces, it is a good idea to try to not see people in the first place. Do not look around and keep eyes down at all times. If an attractive person is spotted, it is good to practice the ABC. Acknowledge that the person is there. Bless her in prayer. Then, Continue on to positive activity.
Overcoming Urges
In terms of Porges’ polyvagal theory, urges to use pornography result from a sense of urgency. This urgency comes from the fact that the brain is in a state of hyperarousal when urges hit. There are three ways to move the brain from a state of hyperarousal to the ventral vagal socially connected state of the brain that likely will overcome urges. First, it is good to pray. The best kind of connection that we have is our connection with God, and this absolutely helps us to overcome urges. Second, social interaction is a powerful tool. In fact, studies of the effectiveness of twelve step groups largely is due to the attribution of a sponsor. When a person feels an urge to use, being able to contact someone at any time offers an accessible avenue to the best state of the mind that can overcome the urge. The third way to enter the ventral vagal state of the mind is to utilize muscle relaxation. Good practices include butterfly tapping, which is easily Googled, or interoception. A common interoceptive practice is the noodle. Sit in a hard backed chair with your feet flat on the floor and your shoulder against the back of the chair. Allow all of your muscles to go limp and focus on any places where you used to feel tension. If muscles are relaxed for 30 seconds or more, it is very difficult for the brain to remain in a state of hyperarousal.
Cognitive Behavioral and Acceptance Commitment Therapy
Gentry accurately notes that addiction often begins in childhood prior to the introduction of pornography. A child often feels trapped in an abusive or neglectful situation. This leads to the formation of an interior world of fantasy and escape. The child can envision herself or himself living in this place of fantasy where they are safe, have all the desires of her or his heart, and where, very importantly, she or he sets all of the rules. Effective cognitive techniques focus on a combination of mindfulness so that a person is aware of triggers, as well as focused efforts to pull out of a world of fantasy and, optimally, to not go there in the first place.
Another important area of focus is emotional awareness. Sometimes, feelings of anxiety, loneliness, or other negative emotions precede urges. Being aware of this phenomenon can help someone to be ready to overcome the urge. Additionally, stress can be a major cause of urges. It is very helpful to take a look at schedule and workload to keep stress down, as well as healthy stress tolerance activities. Healthy stress tolerance activities include muscular relaxation, prayer, social interaction, smelling lavender, warm baths, listening to music, and eating candy. Many of these options activate multiple senses, which is very grounding. Finally, it can be helpful to examine what happens around falls. When there is a usage of pornography, where did the trouble begin? Why was the urge not successfully overcome? What can be done differently next time?
An important Acceptance Commitment Therapy practice is to consider values, goals, and plans. What are the values and virtues that a man is looking to demonstrate in his life? What are the goals that he has based on those values? What is a good plan to achieve those goals?
Internal Family Systems and Deep Trauma Healing
Often, deep trauma healing needs to occur. To heal his or her inner child, a person struggling with addiction needs to use internal family systems. Internal family systems takes a parts approach to the self. It identifies that people have different parts of the self that have different roles and intentions. The key parts of the self to look at are the Conscious Self, the Wounded Exile, and the Manager/Guardian.
The Conscious Self is the best part of a person and the leader of the internal family system. It is the logical, virtuous, reasoning, and emotive self. Its job is to dialogue with the Wounded Exile and the Manager/Guardian to achieve healing.
The Manager/Guardian is the part of the self that keeps the person safe. It likely exists in extreme form. It likely fears rejection or abandonment and uses anger and blaming the spouse as strategies. The Manager/Guardian needs to identify more moderate strategies that allow the person struggling with addiction to enter more deeply into relationship with others. Examples of effective strategies are taking accountability, making healthy judgments about being vulnerable, negotiating needs, and meeting the needs of the spouse.
The Wounded Exile originally was wounded in the person’s childhood. The Wounded Self is carrying negative emotions. The key negative emotion in almost every person struggling with addiction is shame. The person needs to identify the shame and all negative emotions and then unburden these emotions. An example of an unburdening ritual is going to prayer and envisioning giving these negative emotions to Jesus, or going to Mass and envisioning all negative past experiences being taken to the altar where they are redeemed and received by the individual with the Eucharist. After an unburdening, the person can talk to the Wounded Exile and comfort her or him. Then, she or he can mentor the Wounded Exile. This constitutes a reintegration of a part that was exiled (sent away from the self).
Gottman Therapy to Heal the Marriage
In cases where a person is married, the Marriage can be significantly impacted. A full disclosure needs to be provided to the offended Spouse, who is dealing with betrayal trauma from the affair involving the pornography. There needs to be transparency. The Offending Spouse, often the Husband, needs to demonstrate as fully as possible that avenues to use are blocked. This can include using Covenant Eyes or a blocker, having a trusted male accountability partner, joining a group, and giving his Wife access to all devices. Then, a restitution plan needs to be instituted. The Husband needs to consistently do positive activities over time to rebuild trust in the relationship. The key here is consistency, and many Husbands struggle with just that. Finally, there often needs to be an Aftermath of the Affair Walkthrough. The Wife needs to share her experiences and story. It is the Husband’s job to empathize with her. Also, he is available for her to ask questions about things that she wonders about. It is important to go through this process with a therapist and the therapist gets veto authority on questions. The purpose of the walkthrough is not to shame the offending spouse. It is, in fact, oriented toward the reinstitution of intimacy. Intimacy begins with the sharing of interior worlds and the affair with the pornography places a wall between spouses. The Aftermath of the Affair Walkthrough tears down the wall one brick at a time.
Internal Family Systems for the Spouse of the Pornography Abuser
Sometimes, the Spouse needs to go through deep healing. Key parts of the self to look at are the Manager/Guardian and the Wounded Exile. The Manager/Guardian usually is concerned about future use on the part of the Husband. Its Strategy almost always involves hyper-vigilance and there may be some enabler tendencies like responding to anger with fear, pleasing, not speaking for needs, and avoiding conflicts. Good Alternative Strategies to adopt are self-soothing, asserting needs, and distress tolerance. Having a sense of resolve and sending the message, “I will not tolerate this in my house” often is essential.
In terms of the Wounded Exile, it is noteworthy that trauma stacks on trauma. That means that the Husband’s betrayal often tears open old wounds from childhood as well. It is important to know the story of the Wounded Exile from childhood, as well as from the Marriage. Then, it is important to unburden negative emotions and focus on reintegration.
Conclusion
I have been involved in a lot of situations involving Pornography Addiction. One thing that I am adamant about is that pornography constitutes an affair. If a Wife does not experience it as an affair, that is valid. Not every Wife experiences it that way. But if the Wife experiences it as an affair (and most of them do) that is absolutely valid. That is how I would experience it! Another thing that I am adamant about is dispelling the myth that porn can be innocuous. Pornography is a touchpoint. It opens a gateway to hell spiritually. Additionally, pornography destroys Marriages. I have witnessed that many times, unfortunately. Pornography literally means the worship of sexual immorality. In that sense, it constitutes a false idol. It is a betrayal of God. As dark as situations involving pornography can be, it is important to note that there is hope. While it often is a grind, the healing process often makes men more soulful, mature, and emotionally courageous. It is possible for couples to heal and to find new life. They can build a resurrected Marriage that is stronger than ever before. Often, its is in healing from Pornography Addiction that men discover the deepest truth of what is required to love their wives as Jesus loves his Bride, the Catholic Church. They need to self donate totally, sacrifice completely, and give without counting the cost.
Resources:
The Strive 21 Program is a good resource:
https://www.strive21.com/
Covenant Eyes is also helpful for many people:
https://www.covenanteyes.com/
Is Pornography Addiction causing problems in your relationship? Feel free to reach out to the Catholic Healing Institute and Tom Weishaar for assistance from a Certified Addictions Informed Mental Health Professional (CAIMHP)!
Tom Weishaar, MA LPCC CCTP-II CAIMHP is the President and CEO of the Catholic Healing Institute. He lives in Steubenville, OH with his wife and three children.
